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The graph shows us the population proportion and the differences between Three countries.

The graph shows us the population proportion and the differences between Three countries. First, the country with the most proportion in 1940' was USA (9%) after the USA was Sweden(7%) and last was Japan(5%). Throughout the years 1940 and 2040 the population of Sweden was older, and then she became to be the country with the old majority population in 2020(17%). Second, the young generation is not interest to be a parent alike in the past and that is reason why in the future Japan will be with the highest proportion of the population aged 65 and over (27%). In conclusion japan had numerous years with lower places on the contrary since the young now they are the mature the numbers of them raise up.
The graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
us the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
proportion and the differences between Three countries.

First
, the country with the most proportion in 1940' was USA (9%) after the USA was Sweden(7%) and last was Japan(5%).

Throughout the years 1940 and 2040 the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of Sweden was older, and then she became to be the country with the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
majority
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
in 2020(17%).

Second, the young generation is not interest to be a parent alike in the past and
that is
reason why in the future Japan will be with the highest proportion of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
aged 65 and over (27%).

In conclusion
japan had numerous years with lower places
on the contrary
since the young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
they are the mature the numbers of them raise up.

IELTS academic The graph shows us the population proportion and the differences between Three countries.

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
125 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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