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the graph shows the number of hours per day that people in Korea and Japan spend watching TV.

the graph shows the number of hours per day that people in Korea and Japan spend watching TV. Jlo9a
The data gives information about how many were spent to watch television in 2 different countries: Korea and Japan over a 21-year period. Clearly, it can be seen that both nations represented similar trend. Nevertheless, people in korea watched television for longer hours than those in Japan. Between 1990 and 1995, Korea declined steeply around 3 hours per day. While, Japan started to watch television at 4 hours in 1995. The next major change came after 1995, considerably Korea doubled to six hours until reaching a peak at 6 hours, whereas Japan both decreased and increased. From 2000 to 2004, these two countries experienced a staggered trend. After that until 2012, Korea dropped gradually to 5 hours in 2004, but remained stable in 2008, both sunk and stayed relatively constant at roughly 4 hours per day. While, Japan fell and remained steady at approximately 3 hours per day.
The data gives information about how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
were spent
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
television in 2
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries: Korea and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
over a 21-year period.
Clearly
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that both nations represented similar trend.
Nevertheless
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
korea
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
television for longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
than those in Japan.

Between 1990 and 1995, Korea declined
steeply
around 3
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
per day.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
television at 4
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
in 1995. The
next
major
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
came after 1995,
considerably
Korea doubled to six
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
until reaching a peak at 6
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
, whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
both decreased and increased. From 2000 to 2004, these two countries experienced a staggered trend. After that until 2012, Korea dropped
gradually
to 5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
in 2004,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
remained stable in 2008, both sunk and stayed
relatively
constant at roughly 4
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
per day. While,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
fell and remained steady at approximately 3
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
per day.

IELTS academic the graph shows the number of hours per day that people in Korea and Japan spend watching TV.

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
148 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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