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the graph shows the enrollment of number of overseas student and local student in Australian universities in year 1989 to 1999

the graph shows the enrollment of number of overseas student and local student in Australian universities in year 1989 to 1999 PMRd2
The line graph represents the data of overseas students and local students enrolled in Australian universities over a decade starting from 1989 ranging upto 1999. To begin with, nearly 10000 overseas students were commencing out of total enrollement of 20000 in year 1989. Both the number of commencing student and total student kept on increasing over a period of ten years. In 1999, the amount of student starting education was just above 40000. Whereas, the total enrolment was double of commencing students in year 1999. Additionally, in 1989, the local students beginning study in Australian universities were about 180000. Same year there were total 400000 local students. The amount of student enrolling in course peaked in year 1990-91 then it showed fluctuation and by end of 1999 it was just above 200000. However, the number of total enrolments of local student kept on increasing steadily till year 1996 and then flattened at 600000 up-to 1999. Overall, it can be seen that the proportion of overseas students starting their education in Australian universities and total enrolments is increased from 1989 to 1999.
The line graph represents the data of overseas
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students
and
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local
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students
enrolled in Australian universities over a decade starting from 1989 ranging
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upto
1999.

To
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begin
with,
nearly
10000 overseas
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students
were commencing out of
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total
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enrollement
of 20000 in
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year
1989. Both the number of commencing
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student
and
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total
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student
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
on increasing over a period of ten years. In 1999, the amount of
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student
starting education was
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just
above 40000.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, the
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total
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enrolment
was double of commencing
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students
in
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year
1999.

Additionally
, in 1989, the
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local
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students
beginning study in Australian universities were about 180000. Same
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year
there were
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total
400000
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local
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students
. The amount of
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student
enrolling in course peaked in
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year
1990-91 then it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
fluctuation and by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of 1999 it was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
above 200000.
However
, the number of
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total
Possible spelling mistake. 'enrolments' is British English.
enrolments
of
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local
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student
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
on increasing
steadily
till
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year
1996 and then flattened at 600000 up-to 1999.

Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the proportion of overseas
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students
starting their education in Australian universities and
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total
Possible spelling mistake. 'enrolments' is British English.
enrolments
is increased
from 1989 to 1999.

IELTS academic the graph shows the enrollment of number of overseas student and local student in Australian universities in year 1989 to 1999

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
181 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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