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The graph represent the gym membership of men and women in past 30 years

The graph represent the gym membership of men and women in past 30 years 30eWY
The graph demonstrates the gym membership of male and female over the period of 30 years. The x-axis represents the number of people. The y-axis represents the years. From the graph, it’s clear that there is dramatic fluctuation of gym membership in male than female. At the beginning, there was just over 2000 member which significantly rosed up to 4000 in 1985. The number of male member was less than the female in 1995 with around 1500. There was the highest rate of male around 2005 i. e. 5000. Then, it plummets to less than 1000 after 2010. Female member was lower in compared with male starting with 1000 at first, then doubled by 1991. There was equal number of male and female at around 1992 and 2000. In 1995 and 2006 there was the highest number of women member with nearly 3000. And, then fluctuated in between. After, 2010 the women having gym membership was greater than men. In conclusion, there was up and down with the change in membership in both gender.
The graph demonstrates the gym
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membership
of male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
over the period of 30 years. The x-axis represents the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
y-axis represents the years.

From the graph, it’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that there is dramatic fluctuation of gym
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membership
in
Use "(male)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
male
than
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female
. At the beginning, there was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 2000
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member
which
significantly
Possible spelling mistake found.
rosed
up to 4000 in 1985. The
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number
of male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
member
was less than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
in 1995 with around 1500. There was the highest rate of male around 2005
There should be no space here: "i.e.".
i. e.
5000. Then, it plummets to less than 1000 after
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2010. Female
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member
was lower in compared with male starting with 1000 at
first
, then doubled by 1991. There was equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
at around 1992 and 2000. In 1995 and 2006 there was the highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of women
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member
with
nearly
3000. And, then fluctuated in between.
“After” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
After
, 2010 the women having gym
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membership
was greater than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.

In conclusion
, there was up and down with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
membership
in both gender.
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IELTS academic The graph represent the gym membership of men and women in past 30 years

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
174 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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