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The graph illustrate data about weekly working

The graphs illustrate data about weekly working hours of different professionals and the percentage of employees experience stress-related issues. Overall, it is immediately apparent that businessmen work longer hours on an average with less sress level and the stress-related illness among lectures is highest even though they work for the least hours. The most striking fact to emerge from the bar graph is that businesmen work 70 hours per week, the highest, among the average working hours of given professionals. Movie producers work 60 hours per week, which is the second highest. The third longest working hours per weeks are for doctors and they work more than 50 hours per week. Writers, programmers, lawyers and chefs work 47, 40, 37 and 30 hours per week consecutively. The least working hours are for lecturers, 28 hours a week to be more precise. As far as stress level is concerned, though the lecturers work fewer hours per week than other professionals, their stress-related sickness is higher than other experts. On an average, one-fourth teachers have this problem. Movie producers and doctors have 18 and 15 percentage anxiety issues respectively. Though businessmen work longer hours a week, their proportion of stress-related ailment is only one out of 10, lesser than the lecturers, movie producers and doctors. It is also conspecuos that less than 10% of the total programmers, writer and lawyers suffer from this issue.
The graphs illustrate data about weekly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of
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different
professionals and the percentage of employees experience
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stress
-related issues.

Overall
, it is immediately apparent that businessmen
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work
longer
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hours
on an average with less
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sress
level and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
-related illness among lectures is
A determiner is probably missing here: “the highest”.
highest
even though
they
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work
for the least hours.

The most striking fact to emerge from the bar graph is that
Possible spelling mistake found.
businesmen
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work
70
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hours
per
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week
, the highest, among the average
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working
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hours
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
professionals. Movie producers
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work
60
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hours
per
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week
, which is the second highest. The third longest
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working
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hours
per
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weeks
are for
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
doctors and
they
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work
more than 50
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hours
per
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week
. Writers, programmers, lawyers and chefs
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work
47, 40, 37 and 30
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hours
per
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week
consecutively
. The least
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working
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hours
are for lecturers, 28
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hours
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
week
to be more precise.

As far as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
level
is concerned
, though the lecturers
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work
fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
per
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
week
than other professionals, their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
-related sickness is higher than other experts. On an average, one-fourth teachers have this problem. Movie producers and doctors have 18 and 15 percentage anxiety issues
respectively
. Though businessmen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
week
, their proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
-related ailment is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one out of 10, lesser than the lecturers, movie producers and doctors. It is
also
Possible spelling mistake found.
conspecuos
that less than 10% of the total programmers, writer and lawyers suffer from this issue.

IELTS academic The graph illustrate data about weekly working

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
232 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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