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The graph below shows US consumers' average annual expenditures on cell phone and residential phone services between 2001 and 2010.

The graph below shows US consumers' average annual expenditures on cell phone and residential phone services between 2001 and 2010. b1RB
Increasing usage of cell phones over residential phones has shown a great shift in their services over time. Looking at the data in the graph we can see the cell phone services from the period of 2001 to 2010 have multiplied 4 times in a decade conversely the residential phone services have shown a steep decrease in expenditures of US consumers. The cell phone services in the year 2001 were $200 whereas the residential cell phone services were about $700. Although these services were indirectly proportional they showed an equal expenditure in the year 2006 of $550 approximately. Past the year of 2006, the expenditure of cell phone services took over the expenditure of residential phone services. In the year 2008, the difference of services was about $250 where cell phone services had more expenditure than residential phone services. In 2010, the cell phone services went over the $700 mark in comparison to residential phone services which were at $400.
Increasing usage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
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over
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residential
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phones
has shown a great shift in their
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services
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over
time. Looking at the data in the graph we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
from the period of 2001 to 2010 have multiplied 4 times in a decade
conversely
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
residential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
have shown a steep decrease in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expenditures
of US consumers.

The
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cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
in the
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year
2001 were $200 whereas the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
residential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
were about $700.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
were
indirectly
proportional they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
an equal
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expenditure
in the
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year
2006 of $550 approximately. Past the
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year
of 2006, the
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expenditure
of
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cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
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services
took
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over
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expenditure
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
residential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
. In the
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year
2008, the difference of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
was about $250 where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
had more
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expenditure
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
residential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
. In 2010, the
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cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
went
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over
the $700 mark
in comparison
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
residential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
which were at $400.

IELTS academic The graph below shows US consumers' average annual expenditures on cell phone and residential phone services between 2001 and 2010.

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
160 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
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  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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