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The graph below shows the smoking rate of male and female in Someland between 1960 and 2000

The graph below shows the smoking rate of male and female in Someland between 1960 and 2000 JVne0
The line graph illustrates the amount of smoking between 2 genders in Someland over the course of 40 years, starting in 1960. Looking at the graph, it is immediately obvious that smoking rate in men experienced a downward trend, with the exception of their counterparts' figure. However male tend to smoke higher than female from 1960 to 2000. Specifically, the amount of smoking in men stood at 600 in 1960. In the next 15 years this figure witnessed a slight decrease (500), after which this data saw a significant fall of 250 from 500 to 250 between 1975 to 2000. By contrast, the amount of smoking in women stayed at nearly 100 in 1960 which was the lowest in this year. rate of smoking in female increased sharply to over 300 in 1975 which was the highest rate in the whole period, at which point this data started to dropped of approximately 100 from 300 to 200 at the end of this period.
The line graph illustrates the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
between 2 genders in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Someland
over the course of 40 years, starting in 1960.

Looking at the graph, it is immediately obvious that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
rate in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
experienced a downward trend,
Consider using "except" or "except for"
with the exception of
their counterparts' figure.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
male tend to smoke higher than female from 1960 to 2000.

Specifically
, the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
stood at 600 in 1960. In the
next
15 years this figure witnessed a slight decrease (500), after which this data
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a significant fall of 250 from 500 to 250
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 1975 and 2000".
between 1975 to 2000
.

By contrast, the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
in women stayed at
nearly
100 in 1960 which was the lowest in this year.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
rate
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
in female increased
sharply
to over 300 in 1975 which was the highest rate in the whole period, at which point this data
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to dropped of approximately 100 from 300 to 200 at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of this period.
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IELTS academic The graph below shows the smoking rate of male and female in Someland between 1960 and 2000

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
163 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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