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the graph below shows the proportions of workers in three different sectors in South Korea between 1981 and 2011

the graph below shows the proportions of workers in three different sectors in South Korea between 1981 and 2011 gGj2L
The provided line graph compares and contrast data on the changes in South Korea’s figures for 3 separate sector of employment namely service, agriculture, industry over a 30-year period from 1981 and 2011. Overall, it is clear to see that there were great shifts in the employment rates of workers in the service and agriculture sector, meanwhile, the industrial workforce remains relatively constant. Employees in the service sector kept the highest rank among three figures mentioned whereas the percentage of industrial worker in South Korea dropped significantly over the period studied. Furthermore, in 1981, the gaps between the 3 job sectors were minimal. The proportion of employees in service was the dominant with approximately 40% in the first year of the period, followed by the rate of labor in agriculture, reaching nearly 33% in 1981. On the other hand, the South Korean industrial workers accounted for only 28% in 1981, which is the lowest figure compared to two remaining sectors. In the next 10 years, small upward growths were seen in the service and industry sectors, each increased by 5%, representing roughly 45% and 35% respectively. Whereas, there was a significant decline in the figure for agriculture, down to 20% over a 10-year period from 1981 to 1991. In the remaining time, service was the only employment sector to gain proportions, which surged dramatically and reached almost 70% of the total workforce in 2011. By contrast, the agricultural workers in South Korea fell steadily to nearly 15% until 2006 and plummeted remarkably in the last 5 years to hit the lowest point of 7% by the end of the period. After 1991, a downward trend was witnessed in the industry sector, going down gradually by 30% in 2001 and back near to its original starting point of 26%.
The provided line graph compares and contrast data on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in South Korea’s
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figures
for 3 separate
Possible agreement error. The noun 'sector' seems to be countable, so consider using: "sectors".
sector
of employment
namely
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service
,
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agriculture
, industry over a
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30-year
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period
Nonstandard phrase. Did you mean: "from 1981 to 2011"?
from 1981 and 2011
.

Overall
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that there were great shifts in the employment rates of
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workers
in the
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service
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agriculture
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
, meanwhile, the industrial workforce remains
relatively
constant. Employees in the
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service
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
the highest rank among three
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figures
mentioned whereas the percentage of industrial
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worker
in South Korea dropped
significantly
over the
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period
studied.

Furthermore
, in 1981, the gaps between the 3 job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
were minimal. The proportion of employees in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
was the dominant with approximately 40% in the
first
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year
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
period
, followed by the rate of labor in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agriculture
, reaching
nearly
33% in 1981.
On the other hand
, the South Korean industrial
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workers
accounted for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
28% in 1981, which is the lowest
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figure
compared to two remaining
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sectors
. In the
next
10 years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
upward growths were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
and industry
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
, each increased by 5%, representing roughly 45% and 35%
respectively
. Whereas, there was a significant decline in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agriculture
, down to 20% over a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
10-year
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
period
from 1981 to 1991.

In the remaining time,
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service
was the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
to gain proportions, which surged
dramatically
and reached almost 70% of the total workforce in 2011. By contrast, the agricultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
in South Korea fell
steadily
to
nearly
15% until 2006 and plummeted
remarkably
in the last 5 years to hit the lowest point of 7% by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
period
. After 1991, a downward trend
was witnessed
in the industry
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
, going down
gradually
by 30% in 2001 and back near to its original starting point of 26%.
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IELTS academic the graph below shows the proportions of workers in three different sectors in South Korea between 1981 and 2011

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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Lexical Resource: 5.5
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