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the graph below shows the internet user of diference age group in taiwan

the graph below shows the internet user of diference age group in taiwan 25VWw
Next year, the percentage of internet users dropped by 2-8%, except for those less than 15 years old. Their rate raised fourfold and for those over 50 years old, doubled. In 2000, the figures for age groups 16-30 and 31-50 went down slightly by 1-2%, whereas it increased at the same rate for those aged less than 15 and over 50. Based on the information given, it can be deduced that the proportion of age groups using the internet in Taiwan minimally changed in a span of 3 years. It is also noticeable that while internet usage in teens and adults dropped slightly, the figures for both children and elders grew almost twofold.
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You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
, the percentage of internet users dropped by 2-8%,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
except for
those less than 15 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. Their rate raised fourfold and for those over 50 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, doubled. In 2000, the figures for age groups 16-30 and 31-50 went down
slightly
by 1-2%, whereas it increased at the same rate for those aged less than 15 and over 50.

Based on the information
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
, it can
be deduced
that the proportion of age groups using the internet in Taiwan
minimally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
in a span of 3 years. It is
also
noticeable that while internet usage in teens and adults dropped
slightly
, the figures for both children and elders grew almost twofold.
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IELTS academic the graph below shows the internet user of diference age group in taiwan

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
113 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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