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The graph below shows information on employment rates across 6 countries in 1995 and 2005. v.1

The graph below shows information on employment rates across 6 countries in 1995 and 2005. v. 1
The supplied bar graph compares the employment rates between men and female in 6 different countries for the years 1995 and 2005. As is observed from the given data, the employment rate among men was higher than that of females in all of the given six countries and the overall employment conditions in Iceland, Switzerland was comparatively better than the other four countries. As is given in the diagram, initially in 1995, more than 65% males were employed in Switzerland and in Iceland while in other four countries this rate was less than 60%. After a decade, the male employment percentage reached over 70% except in Australia. On the contrary, in 1995, the female employment rate was over 50% only in Switzerland and for the rest of the countries, this was from 28% to 58%. This quota also improved over the 10 years, and in 2005, female employee rate reached to almost 70% in Switzerland and for the rest of the countries, it was 50%. In summary, the male had a better employment record than the female and in 10 years the employment opportunity for both male and female increased.
The supplied bar graph compares the
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employment
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rates
between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and
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female
in 6
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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countries
for the years 1995 and 2005. As
is observed
from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
data, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
was higher than that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in
Consider using "all the".
all of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
six
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countries
and the
overall
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
conditions in Iceland, Switzerland was
comparatively
better than the other four countries.

As is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
in the diagram,
initially
in 1995, more than 65%
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males
were employed
in Switzerland and in Iceland while in other four
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
was less than 60%. After a decade, the male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
percentage reached over 70% except in Australia.
On the contrary
, in 1995, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
was over 50%
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in Switzerland and for the rest of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, this was from 28% to 58%. This quota
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
over the 10 years, and in 2005,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
employee
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
reached to almost 70% in Switzerland and for the rest of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, it was 50%.

In summary, the male had a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
record than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
and in 10 years the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
opportunity for both male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
increased.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS academic The graph below shows information on employment rates across 6 countries in 1995 and 2005. v. 1

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
190 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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