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The following pie chart shows the major reason for death of people in different age group in Germany

The following pie chart shows the major reason for death of people in different age group in Germany rb0En
The Twin pie chart illustrate parmount causes of individual death of different age groups in Germany. After analysing it can be clearly observed that the age group of people between 45-64 years are dying due to alot of causes. However, Almost 25% individual having another major causes of there death and 13% people are homicide disease. While, 12 percent youth are attempting suicide. Moreover, 8% people having cancer and only 4% of individual passing due to heart diseases. The pie chart collates that people above 65 age group life ends due to various problems. Approximately, only there is the one percent difference between people who are doing suicide. Furthermore, cancer patients are 12% and 14% are homicide. The ratio of heart patients are 5%. Overall, maximum percentum of people between 45-64 demise with unintentional injuries was 38% and 25% Individual in the aged 65 and over. Therefore, 493, 376 people death are held between 45- 64 years While 1, 796, 620 are passing in the age 65 and over.
The Twin pie chart illustrate
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parmount
causes of
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individual
death of
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different
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age
groups in Germany.
“After” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
After
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analysing
it can be
clearly
observed that the
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age
group of
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people
between 45-64 years are dying due to
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alot
of causes.
However
, Almost 25%
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individual
having another major causes of there death and 13%
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people
are homicide disease.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
, 12 percent youth are attempting suicide.
Moreover
, 8%
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people
having cancer and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
4% of
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individual
passing due to heart diseases. The pie chart collates that
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people
above 65
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age
group life ends due to various problems. Approximately,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
there is the one percent difference between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are doing suicide.
Furthermore
, cancer patients are 12% and 14% are homicide. The ratio of heart patients are 5%.
Overall
, maximum
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percentum
of
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people
between 45-64 demise with unintentional injuries was 38% and 25%
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Individual
in the aged 65 and over.
Therefore
, 493, 376
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people
death
are held
between
Consider using an n-dash (half dash), if you want to indicate numerical ranges or time ranges.
45- 64
years While 1, 796, 620 are passing in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
65 and over.
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IELTS academic The following pie chart shows the major reason for death of people in different age group in Germany

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
169 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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