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The first graph illustrates the target after graduation of British nurses in 2009. And the table indicates the accommodation that nurses pursue to work

The first graph illustrates the target after graduation of British nurses in 2009. And the table indicates the accommodation that nurses pursue to work 1bwGG
The first graph illustrates the target after graduation of British nurses in 2009. And the table indicates the accommodation that nurses pursue to work. Overall, the majority of graduates opted for working in the health sector, detaily, in hospital nurses with the highest figure. It can be seen from the graphs that while 84% of students chose to work, 2% of them attended higher education. Besides, the number of those working in parallel with studying was four times more than that of further learning, approximately 8%. The other group which accounted for the rest percentage belonged to unemployment and other purposes. Turning to the second graph, working in the health center was segregated into three different groups. The most attractive group was state nurses, taking up 72. 9%. The following choice with the statistic around 10% included midwives and community nurses. And the last one was mental, paramedic and other with the 4. 5% in total.
The
first
graph illustrates the target after graduation of British
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nurses
in 2009. And the table indicates the accommodation that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nurses
pursue to work.
Overall
, the majority of graduates opted for working in the health sector,
Possible spelling mistake found.
detaily
, in hospital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nurses
with the highest figure.

It can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the graphs that while 84% of students chose to work, 2% of them attended higher education.
Besides
, the number of those working in parallel with studying was four times more than that of
further
learning, approximately 8%. The other group which accounted for the rest percentage belonged to unemployment and other purposes.

Turning to the second graph, working in the health center
was segregated
into three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
groups. The most attractive group was state
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nurses
, taking up 72. 9%. The following choice with the statistic around 10% included midwives and community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nurses
. And the last one was mental, paramedic and other with the 4. 5% in total.
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IELTS academic The first graph illustrates the target after graduation of British nurses in 2009. And the table indicates the accommodation that nurses pursue to work

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
156 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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