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The first chart below shows energy

The first chart below shows energy KwNAk
The first chart shows the amount of energy consumed by various activities in an Australian household whereas the second chart shows the greenhouse gas emissions resulting from this consumption. An average Australian household uses the highest amount of energy (42%) for heating while water heating consumes 30% of energy. Refrigeration, lighting and cooling consume 7%, 4% and 2% of energy respectively. Thus cooling consumes the least amount of energy. Other appliances consume 15% of energy. Energy consumption leads to emission of greenhouse gas. According to the second chart, refrigeration and lighting emit 14% and 8% of greenhouse gas although they consume only 7% and 4% of energy. Water heating accounts for 32% of the total greenhouse gas emissions whereas heating accounts for 15% of the emissions. While other appliances used only 15% of the energy they produced 28% of the total greenhouse gas emissions. Thus, greenhouse gas emissions caused by heating is considerably lower than that is caused by refrigeration and lighting.
The
first
chart
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shows
the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energy
consumed by various activities in an Australian household whereas the second chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the
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greenhouse
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gas
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emissions
resulting from this consumption.

An average Australian household
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
the highest amount of
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energy
(42%) for
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heating
while water
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heating
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consumes
30% of
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energy
. Refrigeration, lighting and cooling
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consume
7%, 4% and 2% of
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energy
respectively
.
Thus
cooling
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consumes
the least amount of
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energy
. Other appliances
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consume
15% of energy.

Energy consumption leads to
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emission
of
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greenhouse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gas
. According to the second chart, refrigeration and lighting emit 14% and 8% of
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greenhouse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gas
although they
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consume
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only
7% and 4% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energy
. Water
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heating
accounts for 32% of the total
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greenhouse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
emissions
whereas
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heating
accounts for 15% of the
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emissions
.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
other appliances
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
15% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energy
they produced 28% of the total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
greenhouse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
emissions
.
Thus
,
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greenhouse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
emissions
caused by
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heating
is
considerably
lower than that
is caused
by refrigeration and lighting.
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IELTS academic The first chart below shows energy

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
162 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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