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The figures illustrates the results of the reasons why mature people choose to study and how the educational fee should be paid

The figures illustrates the results of the reasons why mature people choose to study and how the educational fee should be paid 85aB5
The figures illustrates the results of the reasons why mature people choose to study and how the educational fee should be paid. It is immediately obvious that people have continued their study because they are interested in subject while some others would like to gain qualifications. Besides, it can be seen that most of them want to cover the tuition fee by themselves. First of all, the bar chart shows the reasons why adults decide to study. There are seven different reasons but the main purposes for continuing their path because they feel interested in subject and want to obtain the qualifications, as these two reasons reached 40% and 38% respectively. Meanwhile, the proportions for the reasons of helpful for current job, improving prospects of promotion and enjoy learning are in the rank of 22% and 20%. It also transparent that people chose to study more to change their jobs or meeting people just under 15%. Based on the pie chart, 40% agreed that the costs of each course should be paid individually while 35% thought that it could be provided by employer and 25% stood for taxpayer.
The figures
You should probably use "illustrate".
illustrates
the results of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why mature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and how the educational fee should
be paid
. It is immediately obvious that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have continued their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are interested
in subject while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
others would like to gain qualifications.
Besides
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that most of them want to cover the tuition fee by themselves.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the bar chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why adults decide to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
. There are seven
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the main purposes for continuing their path
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they feel interested in subject and want to obtain the qualifications, as these two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
reached 40% and 38%
respectively
. Meanwhile, the proportions for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
of helpful for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
job, improving prospects of promotion and enjoy learning are in the rank of 22% and 20%.
It seems that a verb is missing after "It". Please verify.
It
also
transparent that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
chose to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
more to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their jobs or meeting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
under 15%. Based on the pie chart, 40%
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
that the costs of each course should
be paid
individually
while 35%
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that it could
be provided
by employer and 25% stood for taxpayer.

IELTS academic The figures illustrates the results of the reasons why mature people choose to study and how the educational fee should be paid

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
188 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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