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The figure shows demographic trends in Scotland. v.2

The figure shows demographic trends in Scotland. v. 2
The given illustration depicts the changes of demographic trends over seven decades in Scotland and also gives the prediction for the year 2020. The survey has been taken from 1940 to 2010 on three criteria, namely: birth, population growth, and death. Initially, fertility and mortality have reached their peak in 1940, whiles population growth reached its highest percentage in the second decade. It was about 2. 5% birth rate in 1940 and then it declined sharply over five years. After a further decline, it fluctuated roughly twenty years. There was a peak in 2000 after falling gradually from 1960's by roughly 1. 0%. It predicted that about 0. 5% fertility in 2020. The chart shows that there is a relationship between fertility and population growth by its trend. The dip, peak, and fluctuation are shown in the same decade, in which, the percentage of population growth always lower. On the other hand, it’s declined sharply and reached to zero growth in 2000's so that could not be predicted for 2020. The death rate went down steadily from 1940 to 1950s and then levelled off till 1970s by roughly 0. 5%. After felt slightly in the last 1970s, it remained the same over the following thirty years. However, its number will rise in 2020 by over 0. 5%. In short, the trends of three categories are decreasing over seven decades and only the mortality rate is expected to be increased in 2020.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
illustration depicts the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
of demographic trends
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over
seven decades in Scotland and
also
gives the prediction for the
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year
2020. The survey has
been taken
from 1940 to 2010 on three criteria,
namely
: birth,
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population
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
growth
, and death.

Initially
, fertility and mortality have reached their peak in 1940, whiles
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
growth
reached its highest percentage in the second decade. It was about 2. 5% birth rate in 1940 and then it declined
sharply
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
five years. After a
further
decline, it fluctuated roughly twenty years. There was a peak in 2000 after falling
gradually
from
Apostrophes aren't needed for decades: "1960s".
1960's
by roughly 1. 0%. It predicted that about 0. 5% fertility in 2020.

The chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that there is a relationship between fertility and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
growth
by its trend. The dip, peak, and fluctuation
are shown
in the same decade, in which, the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
growth
always lower.
On the other hand
, it’s declined
sharply
and reached to zero
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
growth
The article is probably missing here: "in the 2000's".
in 2000's
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that could not
be predicted
for 2020. The death rate went down
steadily
from 1940 to 1950s and then levelled off till 1970s by roughly 0. 5%. After felt
slightly
in the last 1970s, it remained the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
the following thirty years.
However
, its number will rise in 2020 by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
0. 5%.

In short, the trends of three categories are decreasing
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over
seven decades and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the mortality rate is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to
be increased
in 2020.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
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IELTS academic The figure shows demographic trends in Scotland. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
241 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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