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The diagram shows the seven most important stages in the making of honey by bees.

The diagram shows the seven most important stages in the making of honey by bees. The process begins with the honey bees building a hive, and then finishes when the honey is ready to be collected and used. Firstly, the bees have to build a container. This is called a hive and it consists of many individually built cells. Next, the bees leave the hive in order to search for flowers. When they find a suitable flower, they collect the nectar from it, which is used to make honey. The nectar is then taken back to the hive where the production process can begin. First, it is put into cells. Then, following this, the nectar must be cooled down. In order to do this, the bees fan the nectar-filled cells with their wings. As a result, the nectar loses its water content and then finally, the honey is produced.
The diagram
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the seven most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
stages in the making of honey by bees. The process
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
with the honey bees building a hive, and then finishes when the honey is ready to
be collected
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
.

Firstly
, the bees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
build a container. This
is called
a
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
hive and
it consists of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individually
built cells.
Next
, the bees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the hive in order to search for flowers. When they find a suitable flower, they collect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nectar
from it, which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
honey.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nectar
is then taken back to the hive where the production process can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
.
First
, it
is put
into cells. Then, following this, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nectar
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be cooled
down. In order to do this, the bees fan the nectar-filled cells with their wings.
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nectar
loses its water content and then
finally
, the honey
is produced
.

IELTS academic The diagram shows the seven most important stages in the making of honey by bees.

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
149 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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