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The diagram shows the seven important stages in the making of honey by bees

The diagram shows the seven important stages in the making of honey by bees. The process begins with the honey bees building a hive, finishes when the honey is ready to be used. First of all, the colony of bees builds a hive altogether to put into honey. Then, bees leave the hive owing to search for suitable flowers. When bees find the right flowers they drink the flower’s nectar after that, carry all nectars and pollen from cells where they produce honey. Every member of the clan tries to fill its cell. The nectar must be cooled down so that it transforms real honey. The bees flap their wings and the hive’s temperature went up. In this movement, the water is inside the nectar evaporates. As a result, the nectar loses its water content, the honey is produced.
The diagram
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the seven
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
stages in the making of honey by bees. The process
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
with the honey bees building a hive, finishes when the honey is ready to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
.

Often, this adverbial phrase is redundant. Consider using “first”.
First of all
, the colony of bees builds a hive altogether to put into honey. Then, bees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the hive owing to search for suitable flowers. When bees find the right flowers they drink the flower’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nectar
after that, carry all
Possible spelling mistake found.
nectars
and pollen from cells where they produce honey. Every member of the clan tries to fill its cell. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nectar
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be cooled
down
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that it transforms real honey. The bees flap their wings and the hive’s temperature went up. In this movement, the water is inside the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nectar
evaporates.
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nectar
loses its water content, the honey
is produced
.
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IELTS academic The diagram shows the seven important stages in the making of honey by bees

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
139 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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