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The diagram below gives information about the number of parcels delivered by major mail services company from 1920 to 2000

The diagram below gives information about the number of parcels delivered by major mail services company from 1920 to 2000 9L5WW
The graph illustrates that how many parcels delivered by Federal Express which is major mail services company, in every decades during 1920 and 2000 It is observed that in the first year, 1920, delivered parcels stood at 15000 and during 2 decades it rose slowly, up to just under 25000. Since then there was a noticeable decline in the number of delivered parcels in 1950. Moreover it seems that there was just unchanged after 10 years, in 1960. So that, in above mentioned years, the number of parcels delivered by company were around 12500. Nevertheless, quantity of packages changed upwards markedly, since there was difference around 5000 between 1960-1970. Diagram went up to slowly over the 10 years and it is noticed that there was just under 20000 parcels delivered in 1980. Finally, there was no considerable change during 80 years. However, the highest number of delivered packages was in 1940 and the lowest number was during 1950-1960
The graph illustrates that how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parcels
delivered by Federal Express which is major mail services
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, in every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "decade"?
decades
during 1920 and 2000

It
is observed
that in the
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
, 1920, delivered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parcels
stood at 15000 and during 2 decades it rose
slowly
, up to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
under 25000.
“Since” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Since
then there was a noticeable decline in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of delivered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parcels
in 1950.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
it seems that there was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
unchanged after 10 years, in 1960.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that, in above mentioned years, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parcels
delivered by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
were around 12500.
Nevertheless
, quantity of packages
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
upwards
markedly
, since there was difference around 5000 between 1960-1970. Diagram went up to
slowly
over the 10 years and it
is noticed
that there was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
under 20000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parcels
delivered in 1980.

Finally
, there was no considerable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
during 80 years.
However
, the highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of delivered packages was in 1940 and the lowest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
was during 1950-1960
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IELTS academic The diagram below gives information about the number of parcels delivered by major mail services company from 1920 to 2000

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
157 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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