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The data of compter ownership

The data of compter ownership BaO16
The bar charts illustrated that the proporation of computer ownership among people in 2002-10, and the comparison of computer ownership according to five various education level in 2002 and 2010. Since 2002, the percent of people who harbor CP over 50% all the time. The number of people who have computer was constantly rising from 2002 to 2010. The figure of people owner CP in 2010 was approximately 70%, which was much more than the corresponding figure in 2002. In addition, among the people who have different education level, the percentage in 2010 almost 20% more than that in 2002. Intriguringly, the computer owner without high school certificate in 2002 and 2010 account for around 15% and 40%, respectively, whereas among the people obtaining postgraduate qualification, the computer owner in this two years are about 70% and 90%, respectively. Collectively, no matter when 2002 or 2010, the percent of computer ownership were increasing with the improvement of education level.
The bar charts illustrated that the
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proporation
of computer ownership among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in 2002-10, and the comparison of computer ownership according to five various education level in 2002 and 2010.

Since 2002, the percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who harbor CP over 50% all the time. The number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have computer was
constantly
rising from 2002 to 2010. The figure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
owner CP in 2010 was approximately 70%, which was much more than the corresponding figure in 2002.

In addition
, among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
education level, the percentage in 2010 almost 20% more than that in 2002.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Intriguringly
, the computer owner without high school certificate in 2002 and 2010 account for around 15% and 40%,
respectively
, whereas among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
obtaining postgraduate qualification, the computer owner in this two years are about 70% and 90%,
respectively
.

Collectively
, no matter when 2002 or 2010, the percent of computer ownership were increasing with the improvement of education level.
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IELTS academic The data of compter ownership

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
159 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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