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The column bar graph compares the proportion of different age groups of people who donate money to an organization in Britain in the year 1990 to 2010.

The column bar graph compares the proportion of different age groups of people who donate money to an organization in Britain in the year 1990 to 2010. BaW5p
Nowadays, there are lots of advertisements on television, radio or the Internet that children can see and have caused considerable harm to children’s healthy and lives. I strongly agree with those advertisements can causes negative effects on children and should be banned. It is evident that children still do not have enough experiences and abilities to identify what they are really need. Take instance, in my country, many advertising companies produce advertisements with famous sports stars and popular actors or singers. Children buy goods were affected by their favorite stars’ advertises, although they do not really need the products. Therefore, the vast majority of the snack foods that kids see advertised on the TV today are for products that nutritionists would tell us they need to be eating less of, not more of, if we are going to get a handle on childhood obesity. In terms of healthy diet for children, their parents need to develop a healthy eating habit for their children. Instead children were impacted by the fast foods’ advertisings. Lastly, an even more significant factor that should be taking into account is those advertising companies’ advertisements are increasing the gap between the rich families and poor families. Children from the poor households may hurt their emotions, lead to an inferiority complex because their parents are not particularly well-off to buy expensive toys or clothes for their children. On the other hand, those advertisements are very difficult to be prohibited. For TV stations or web sites, broadcast more advertisements on their programs means earn more money. Although in some countries, the governments restrict advertisings which are aimed to children in specific period time. Whereas advertisers in order to achieve their own goals can through other ways to advertising, such like advertising in supermarket or shopping malls. To put it in a nutshell, I insist on saying that the governments should ban huge number of advertisements are aimed at children. Especially in the sensitive areas of businesses, such like toys and fast food industries.
Nowadays, there are lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
on television, radio or the Internet that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
and have caused considerable harm to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
healthy and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
can causes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and should
be banned
.

It is evident that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
still
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
experiences and abilities to identify what they are
really
Consider using a past participle here: "needed".
need
. Take instance, in my country,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advertising
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
produce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
sports stars and popular actors or singers.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by their favorite stars’ advertises, although they do not
really
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
the products.
Therefore
, the vast majority of the snack foods that kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
advertised on the TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are for products that nutritionists would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
us they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to be eating less of, not more of, if we are going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a handle on childhood obesity. In terms of healthy diet for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, their parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to develop a healthy eating habit for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Instead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
were impacted
by the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
foods’
Possible spelling mistake found.
advertisings
.
Lastly
, an even more significant factor that should be taking into account is those advertising
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
are increasing the gap between the rich families and poor families.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
from the poor households may hurt their emotions, lead to an inferiority complex
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their parents are not
particularly
well-off to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
expensive toys or clothes for their children.

On the other hand
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult to
be prohibited
. For TV stations or
Did you mean "websites"?
web sites
, broadcast more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
on their programs means earn more money. Although in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
restrict
Possible spelling mistake found.
advertisings
which
are aimed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in specific period time. Whereas advertisers in order to achieve their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
goals can through other ways to advertising, such like advertising in supermarket or shopping malls.

To put it in a nutshell, I insist on saying that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should ban huge number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
are aimed
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Especially
in the sensitive areas of businesses, such like toys and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food industries.
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IELTS academic The column bar graph compares the proportion of different age groups of people who donate money to an organization in Britain in the year 1990 to 2010.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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