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the charts show how tourism to Australia and Germany changes from 1960 to 2010

the charts show how tourism to Australia and Germany changes from 1960 to 2010 rY2kl
The pie charts illustrate the figures for visitors who came to Australia and Germany during a period of time from 1960 to 2010. In general, there was some difference in the distribution in the tourism industry of the two countries. According to Australia, the proportion of Africa, America and Europe decreased from 30%, 22%, 36% in 1960 to 18%, 6%, 9% in 2010, respectively. On the other hand, Asia which had the smallest percentage in the past rose sharply and got the biggest number for about 67% towards the end of the year. There was only a slight change in Germany's tourism. In 1960, Africa, Europe was 20% and 45%, however, the numbers declined to 6% and 40% in 2010. On the contrary, the percentages of America and Asia saw an increase with 25% and 10% in the past then rose to 29% and 25% in 2010.
The pie charts illustrate the figures for visitors who came to Australia and Germany during a period of time from 1960 to 2010.

In general
, there was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
difference in the distribution in the tourism industry of the two countries.

According to Australia, the proportion of Africa, America and Europe decreased from 30%, 22%, 36% in 1960 to 18%, 6%, 9% in 2010,
respectively
.
On the other hand
, Asia which had the smallest percentage in the past rose
sharply
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
the biggest number for about 67% towards the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the year.

There was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a slight
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in Germany's tourism. In 1960, Africa, Europe was 20% and 45%,
however
, the numbers declined to 6% and 40% in 2010.
On the contrary
, the percentages of America and Asia
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
an increase with 25% and 10% in the past then rose to 29% and 25% in 2010.
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IELTS academic the charts show how tourism to Australia and Germany changes from 1960 to 2010

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
147 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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