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The charts below show the number of Japanese tourists traveling abroad between 1985 and 1995 and Australia's share of the Japanese tourist market. v.2

The charts below show the number of Japanese tourists traveling abroad between 1985 and 1995 and Australia's share of the Japanese tourist market. v. 2
The supplied graphs compare the number of Japanese tourists who travelled different countries from 1985 to 1995 and it also give data on Australia's portion of the Japanese visitors. According to the first bar graph, the number of Japanese tourists visited abroad had increased in each year except for 1991. Initially, in 1985, around 5 million tourists from Japan travelled abroad and after a decade this number more than trebled. About 2 million Japanese tourists went to Australia in 1985. From 1985 till 1988, the number of Japanese tourists in Australia increased sharply. Beginning from 2 million tourists in 1985, it reached to around 5 million in 1988. In 1989, the number fell slightly but from 90 to 94, the number went up. However, in 1994 the number of people who went to Australia decreased a bit. The two graphs represent the steady increase of total Japanese tourists travelling different countries as well as the number of tourists visiting Australia in Particular.
The supplied graphs compare the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of Japanese
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tourists
who travelled
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries from 1985 to 1995 and it
also
Did you mean "gives"?
give
data on Australia's portion of the Japanese visitors.

According to the
first
bar graph, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of Japanese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
visited abroad had increased in each year
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
except for
1991.
Initially
, in 1985, around 5
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million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
from Japan travelled abroad and after a decade this
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number
more than trebled. About 2
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million
Japanese
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tourists
went to Australia in 1985.
Nonstandard phrase. Did you mean: "From 1985 to 1988"?
From 1985 till 1988
, the
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number
of Japanese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
in Australia increased
sharply
. Beginning from 2
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million
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tourists
in 1985, it reached to around 5
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million
in 1988. In 1989, the
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number
fell
slightly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
from 90 to 94, the
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number
went up.
However
, in 1994 the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who went to Australia decreased a bit.

The two graphs represent the steady increase of total Japanese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
travelling
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries
as well
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
visiting Australia
in Particular
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS academic The charts below show the number of Japanese tourists traveling abroad between 1985 and 1995 and Australia's share of the Japanese tourist market. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
162 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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