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The charts below show the number of Japanese tourists traveling abroad between 1985 and 1995 and Australia's share of the Japanese tourist market. v.1

The charts below show the number of Japanese tourists traveling abroad between 1985 and 1995 and Australia's share of the Japanese tourist market. v. 1
The bar chart outlines how many Japanese travelled overseas between 1985 and 1995 while the line graph delineates the percentages of these tourists who visited Australia in particular between 1985 and 1994. Overall, the number of Japanese who made overseas travels soared and this is also true for the Australia visiting travelers from Japan. As can be seen from the illustration, around 5 million Japanese citizens travelled different countries in 1985 which kept on increasing each year except in 1991. From approximately 7 million tourists in 1987, it went as high as 12 million in just 6 years. Finally, in 1995, around 15 million Japanese toured foreign countries which was three times higher than that of a decade earlier. The line graph shows that 2% Japanese tourists reached Australia in 1985 and with a steady increase this figure went as high as roughly 5% in 1988. The next year the ratio slightly dipped but went higher each year in the subsequent years. Australia received more than 6% Japanese travellers in 1993, the highest, which stood at exactly 6% in 1994.
The bar chart outlines how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Japanese travelled overseas between 1985 and 1995 while the line graph delineates the percentages of these tourists who visited Australia
in particular
between 1985 and 1994.
Overall
, the number of Japanese who made overseas travels soared and this is
also
true for the Australia visiting travelers from Japan.

As can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the illustration, around 5
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million
Japanese citizens travelled
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries in 1985 which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
on increasing each
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year
except in 1991. From approximately 7
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million
tourists in 1987, it went as high as 12
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million
in
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just
6 years.
Finally
, in 1995, around 15
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million
Japanese toured foreign countries which was three times higher than that of a decade earlier.

The line graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that 2% Japanese tourists reached Australia in 1985 and with a steady increase this figure went as high as roughly 5% in 1988. The
next
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year
the ratio
slightly
dipped
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
went higher each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
in the subsequent years. Australia received more than 6% Japanese
Possible spelling mistake found.
travellers
in 1993, the highest, which stood at exactly 6% in 1994.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
A different language is a different vision of life.
Federico Fellini

IELTS academic The charts below show the number of Japanese tourists traveling abroad between 1985 and 1995 and Australia's share of the Japanese tourist market. v. 1

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
180 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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