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the chart show the expenditure on six consumer goods in 2015

the chart show the expenditure on six consumer goods in 2015 xxRW9
The provided bar graph compares the spending of European people in six consumer products. As is presented in the bar graph, British people spent more on all the consumer products than the citizens of other European countries given here. For the photographic film British citizens spent over 170 thousand pound sterling which was the highest amount among the given product categories. While their spending was about 170 thousand pound sterling for toys, they spent over 160 thousand pound sterling for the CDs and perfumes. For the Tennis racquets and personal stereos their spending was nearly 155 thousand. On the other hand, French people also spend their largest amount on photographic films (about 165 thousand pound sterling) while they spent less than 160 thousand on Toys and CDs. Their spending on perfume, tennis racquets and stereos were about 145 thousand. A similar spending trend can be observed among Italian people but they spent less in all of the categories compared to the citizens of Britain and France. On the contrary, German people seems like spent lowest on the given consumer products and their spending pattern was different from people of other 3 countries. Their spending on stereo, tennis racquets and CDs was about 150 thousand pound sterling while their spending on other products were comparatively less. They spent the least amount on photographic films and Toys in contrary to British, French and Germans.
The provided bar graph compares the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
of European
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in six consumer products.

As
is presented
in the bar graph, British
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people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
more on all the consumer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
than the citizens of
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other
European countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
here. For the photographic film British citizens
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
over 170 thousand pound
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sterling
which was the highest amount among the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
categories. While their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
was about 170 thousand pound
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sterling
for toys, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
over 160 thousand pound
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sterling
for the CDs and perfumes. For the Tennis racquets and personal stereos their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
was
nearly
155 thousand. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, French
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people
also
spend their largest amount on photographic films (about 165 thousand pound
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sterling)
while they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
less than 160 thousand on Toys and CDs. Their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
on perfume, tennis racquets and stereos were about 145 thousand.

A similar
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spending
trend can
be observed
among Italian
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people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
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spent
less in
Consider using "all the".
all of the
categories compared to the citizens of Britain and France.
On the contrary
, German
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people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
seems
like
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spent
A determiner is probably missing here: "the lowest".
lowest
on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
consumer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
and their
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spending
pattern was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from
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people
of
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other
3 countries. Their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
on stereo, tennis racquets and CDs was about 150 thousand pound
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sterling
while their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
were
comparatively
less. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
the least amount on photographic films and Toys in contrary to British, French and Germans.
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IELTS academic the chart show the expenditure on six consumer goods in 2015

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
232 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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