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the chart show the expenditure on school

the chart show the expenditure on school r172o
The information provided in the chart is concerning the amount of spending on boys and girls school in Singapore between 2000 and 2012. The pie charts compared the proportion of students who got higher education diplomas and degrees at the same period. Overall, it can be seen clearly that the total spending on both sexes experienced an upward trend, moreover the figure for boys was more spent than girls over the period. Besides, significantly more students who gained diploma qualifications than those who receive degrees. According to the data of the school expenditure, nearly 9 millions was spent on boys school in 2000 which was double in four years later. Followed by a slight growth of the total spending on boys at approximately 26 millions in 2008, before reaching a peak at around 31 millions in 2012. In contrast, the expenditure on girls was lower which accounted for 7 millions in 2000. Following that, it registered a slight increase at nearly 12% in 2004 which shared an equal number in 2008, before reaching a peak at exactly 20 millions in 2012. In terms of the pie charts, the vast majority of total students belonged to degree qualifications which was third of diplomas. While the figure for students who gained a higher education degree went up from 0. 27 to 0. 32 in 2000 and 2012, correspondingly, the proportion of students who graduated with a diploma decreased considerably from 0. 73 to 0. 68 over the period.
The information provided in the chart
The verb 'concerning' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
is concerning
the amount of spending on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
and girls school in Singapore between 2000 and 2012. The pie charts compared the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
higher education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diplomas
and degrees at the same period.

Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
clearly
that the total spending on both sexes experienced an upward trend,
moreover
the figure for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
was more spent than girls over the period.
Besides
,
significantly
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
gained
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diploma
qualifications than those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
receive degrees.

According to the data of the school expenditure,
nearly
9
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
millions
was spent
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
school in 2000 which was double in four years later. Followed by a slight growth of the total spending on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
at approximately 26
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
millions
in 2008,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching a peak at around 31
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
millions
in 2012.
In contrast
, the expenditure on girls was lower which accounted for 7
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
millions
in 2000. Following that, it registered a slight increase at
nearly
12% in 2004 which shared an equal number in 2008,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching a peak at exactly 20
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
millions
in 2012.

In terms of the pie charts, the vast majority of total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
belonged to degree qualifications which was third of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diplomas
. While the figure for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
gained a higher education degree went up from 0. 27 to 0. 32 in 2000 and 2012,
correspondingly
, the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
graduated with a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diploma
decreased
considerably
from 0. 73 to 0. 68 over the period.
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IELTS academic the chart show the expenditure on school

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
246 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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