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The chart gives information to compare the proportions of daily physical activities from youth to aging ages between males and females in Australia in 2010.

The chart gives information to compare the proportions of daily physical activities from youth to aging ages between males and females in Australia in 2010. BJam5
We can see that the most activities in women physically were in the range of 35 to 64 ages by 53%, while this was around 43% for men in all ages except for 15 to 24 which was the peak of their activities. By contrast, the lowest amount of female activities was in the old ages, however, for their opposite gender, this was between 35 and 44. Interestingly, physical activities steadily rose in females except for those over 65 years old. Conversely, males' activities declined dramatically from 15 up to 44 years old, but they then developed their activities physically slightly to the aging ages. Overall, with regard to the chart, it seems that women were more active physically in comparison with men except in their youth ages. Finally, the percentages of Australian women and men aged 65 and over who exercised regularly were almost identical, at approximately 47%.
We can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that the most
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activities
in women
physically
were in the range of 35 to 64
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ages
by 53%, while this was around 43% for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
in all
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ages
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except for
15 to 24 which was the peak of their
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activities
. By contrast, the lowest amount of female
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activities
was in the
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old
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ages
,
however
, for their opposite gender, this was between 35 and 44.

Interestingly
, physical
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activities
steadily
rose in females
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
except for
those over 65 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
Conversely
, males'
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activities
declined
dramatically
from 15 up to 44 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
,
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but
they then developed their
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activities
physically
slightly
to the aging ages.

Overall
, with regard to the chart, it seems that women were more active
physically
in comparison
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
except in their youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
.
Finally
, the percentages of Australian women and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
aged 65 and over who exercised
regularly
were almost identical, at approximately 47%.

IELTS academic The chart gives information to compare the proportions of daily physical activities from youth to aging ages between males and females in Australia in 2010.

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
149 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
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Grammatical Range: 6.0
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Task Achievement: 7.0
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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