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The chart below shows the proportions of graduates from Brighton University in 2019 entering different employment sectors.

The chart below shows the proportions of graduates from Brighton University in 2019 entering different employment sectors. J2d6
The above shown pie chart illustrate the carrier choices of Brighton University graduates in 2019. the chart shows that the major percentage of students after completing their graduation shifted towards industrail sector and served there. After looking at the information shown we can precisely say that 33% of the graduates started their career in service industry. So the second major sector was manufacturing industry. A major percentage of graduates served in this industry. So a total of 16. 3% started working there. After industrial sector education was also the major choice of graduates. A total of 14. 7% served in this industry. Then there comes politics and government. A total of 12. 1% started their careers in these sectors. After all this transportation and housing was also the major industry. A large population of graduates worked there. About 7. 8% worked in this area. Then 5. 6% worked in civil services. Only 7. 3% of the graduates started their career in field of science and technology. Charity and sports was not so popular among graduates. only 0. 3% and 0. 1% worked in these areas respectively. And about 2. 8% worked in other fields of life as well.
The above shown pie chart illustrate the carrier choices of Brighton University
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graduates
in 2019.

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the
chart
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shows
that the
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major
percentage of students after completing their graduation shifted towards
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industrail
sector and served there.

“After” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
After
looking at the information shown we can
precisely
say that 33% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
started
their career in service
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
the second
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major
sector was manufacturing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
. A
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major
percentage of
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graduates
served in this
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industry
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
a total of 16. 3%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
started
working there.

“After” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
After
industrial sector education was
also
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
choice of
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graduates
. A total of 14. 7% served in this industry.

Then there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
politics and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. A total of 12. 1%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
started
their careers in these sectors.

After all
this transportation and housing was
also
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
. A large population of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
worked there. About 7. 8% worked in this area.

Then 5. 6% worked in civil services.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
7. 3% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
started
their career in field of science and technology.

Charity and sports was not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
popular among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
only
0. 3% and 0. 1% worked in these areas
respectively
.

And about 2. 8% worked in other fields of life
as well
.
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IELTS academic The chart below shows the proportions of graduates from Brighton University in 2019 entering different employment sectors.

Academic
  American English
9 paragraphs
198 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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