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The chart below shows the number of employees in six different sectors based on gender in Germany in 2015.

The chart below shows the number of employees in six different sectors based on gender in Germany in 2015. le0bX
The chart provides information about how many male and female workers in six different job sectors in Germany in 2015. Overall, it can clearly be seen that the number of employees who were men was higher than women one in all categories, with the exception of education and retail which has fewer male than female. Looking at the first zones for more detail, it is evident that there were 250 000 wage earners who were women, whereas male workers were responsible for nearly 700 000, which was sharply difference. Next, about 280 000 women were employed to work in communication sector and the number of men in the same category was 10 000 more. At the same year, men were the main workforce of finance, which accounted for 400 000, while women just experienced more than 100 000. The different gender in medicine industry was similar to the first two sector. Although approximately 350 000 female was employed in this sector and this number was the highest in the comparison to one in others categories, it was about 250 000 lower than the number of men. Turning to the retail sector, it can be seen that male retailer took a higher number than female. That is because there were 190 000 employees in this sector were men while women represented for 250 000. Among the given job sectors, the education sector had the proportion of female employees, which stood at 210 000, was far greater than that of males, which related to 100 000 people.
The chart provides information about how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
male and
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female
workers in six
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different
job
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sectors
in Germany in 2015.

Overall
, it can
clearly
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the
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number
of employees who were
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men
was higher than
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women
one in all categories,
Consider using "except" or "except for"
with the exception of
education and retail which has fewer male than female.

Looking at the
first
zones for more detail, it is evident that there were 250 000 wage earners who were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
, whereas male workers were responsible for
nearly
700 000, which was
sharply
difference.
Next
, about 280 000
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women
were employed
to work in communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in the same category was 10 000 more. At the same year,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
were the main workforce of finance, which accounted for 400 000, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
experienced more than 100 000. The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
gender in medicine industry was similar to the
first
two
Possible agreement error. The noun 'sector' seems to be countable, so consider using: "sectors".
sector
. Although approximately 350 000
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female
was employed
in this
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sector
and this
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number
was the highest in the comparison to one in others categories, it was about 250 000 lower than the
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number
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.

Turning to the retail
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sector
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that male retailer took a higher
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number
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
.
That is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there were 190 000 employees in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
while
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women
represented for 250 000. Among the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
, the education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
had the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
employees, which stood at 210 000, was far greater than that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
, which related to 100 000
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
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IELTS academic The chart below shows the number of employees in six different sectors based on gender in Germany in 2015.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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