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line graph show the change population for the city of melbourne

line graph show the change population for the city of melbourne gYEP1
The line graph shows the information about the change in population for the cities of Melbourne, Sydney, and Brisbane from 1992 to 2016. Overall, Melbourne city has dramatically increase till the end of the year in 2016 and the smallest number of populations in this same year in Brisbane. To start with, Melbourne city population were minimum as comparison with other two cities in 1992 with account 21 thousand and Sydney population were greatest in same year at around 30 thousand. Melbourne population rose sharply reaching nearly 100 thousand in 2010 then there was a decline at around 65 thousand in next three year after that the figure went up significantly at around 102 thousand in 2016. Furthermore, Brisbane started out with nearly as little growth with 21k in 1992 to a gain merely 50, 000 by 2016. Sydney population growth ended with 105, 000 by the end of the period, just behind Melbourne
The line graph
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shows
the information about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
for the
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cities
of Melbourne, Sydney, and Brisbane from 1992 to 2016.

Overall
, Melbourne city has
dramatically
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "increased".
increase
till the
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end
of the
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year
in 2016 and the smallest number of
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populations
in this same
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year
in Brisbane.

To
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start
with, Melbourne city
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population
were minimum as comparison with other two
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cities
in 1992 with account 21 thousand and Sydney
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population
were greatest in same
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year
at around 30 thousand. Melbourne
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population
rose
sharply
reaching
nearly
100 thousand in 2010 then there was a decline at around 65 thousand in
next
three
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year
after that the figure went up
significantly
at around 102 thousand in 2016.

Furthermore
, Brisbane
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
out with
nearly
as
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little
growth with 21k in 1992 to a gain
merely
50, 000 by 2016. Sydney
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
growth ended with 105, 000 by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the period,
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just
behind
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
Melbourne
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IELTS academic line graph show the change population for the city of melbourne

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
153 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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