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The chart below shows the amount of leisure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status.

The chart below shows the amount of leisure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status. m0GK
The diagram below portion a lot of leisure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status. According to chart we looked at about males and females had huge different for leisure time rate ways. The first was reason that, chart analysis was mostly largest leisure time people who was unemployed and retired, chart shows unemployed males to occupy leisure time 80 hours weekly. and unemployed females had leisure time 75 hours weekly. AS well as retire people who were leisure time with unemployed people basically same. Besides, employed full-time people who males can enjoy leisure time approximately 50 hours weekly that it was leisure time around 38 hours weekly for employed full-time female. In addition, employed part-time was only females to have leisure time around 40 hours weekly, finally, for about housewives can relax leisure time approximately 50 hours weekly which it is information only for housewives. In conclude, we used chart analysis knowledge data male leisure time was only female leisure time three one. As well as unemployed or retired people who was highest for leisure time.
The diagram below portion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
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leisure
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time
enjoyed by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women of
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different
employment status. According to
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chart
we looked at about
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males
and
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females
had huge
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
for
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leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
rate ways.

The
first
was reason that,
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chart
analysis was
mostly
A determiner is probably missing here: "the largest".
largest
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leisure
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time
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people
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who
was
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unemployed
and retired,
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chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
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unemployed
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males
to occupy
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leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
80
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weekly
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
and
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unemployed
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females
had
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leisure
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time
75
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hours
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weekly
.
AS well
as retire
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people
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who
were
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leisure
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time
with
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unemployed
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people
basically
same.
Besides
, employed full-time
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people
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who
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males
can enjoy
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leisure
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time
approximately 50
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hours
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weekly
that it was
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leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
around 38
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hours
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weekly
for employed full-time female.

In addition
, employed part-time was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
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females
to have
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leisure
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time
around 40
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hours
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weekly
,
finally
, for about housewives can relax
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leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
approximately 50
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hours
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weekly
which it is information
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for housewives.

In conclude, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
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chart
analysis knowledge data male
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leisure
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time
was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
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female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
three
Possible agreement error. The noun 'one' seems to be countable, so consider using: "ones".
one
.
As well
as
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unemployed
or retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
was highest for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
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IELTS academic The chart below shows the amount of leisure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
180 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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