Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

The chart below give information about attendance at entertainment venues and admission prices to those venues in 2009. v.2

The chart below give information about attendance at entertainment venues and admission prices to those venues in 2009. v. 2
The bar chart illustrates the participation at three different venues and the table shows a variety prices of those places in 2009. Overall, it can be seen that cinemas was the most popular place to entertainment in the year 2009, also football game – AFL accounted for the most expensive ticket both for an individual or a group family. In the first bar chart, more than 1000 people enjoyed watching movie at cinemas. In contrast, just under 200 people went to sports venues for entertainment. In addition, theme parks was the second popular place of entertainment, which was at around 390 people. In the table, football game – AFL made up the biggest price ticket for per person and for four family members, which was at $75 and $298 respectively. In contrast, the cheapest ticket can be seen in the cinema term, only $15 per person and $55 for a family group. Most of the prices of events for family group were cheaper than the individual one, compared to the kind of event, except for theme parks event.
The bar chart illustrates the participation at three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
venues and the table
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
a variety prices of those places in 2009.

Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that cinemas was the most popular place to entertainment in the year 2009,
also
football game
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
AFL accounted for the most expensive ticket both for an individual or a group family.

In the
first
bar chart, more than 1000
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
enjoyed watching movie at cinemas.
In contrast
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
under 200
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
went to sports venues for entertainment.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
addition, theme parks was the second popular place of entertainment, which was at around 390
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
the table, football game
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
AFL made up the biggest price ticket for per person and for four family members, which was at $75 and $298
respectively
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
contrast, the cheapest ticket can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the cinema term,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
$15 per person and $55 for a family group. Most of the prices of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
for family group were cheaper than the individual one, compared to the kind of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
except for
theme parks
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS academic The chart below give information about attendance at entertainment venues and admission prices to those venues in 2009. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
178 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts