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The bar graph compares the international turnover of cell phones from 5 well-known manufacturers over a course of 4 years, starting in 2009.

The bar graph compares the international turnover of cell phones from 5 well-known manufacturers over a course of 4 years, starting in 2009. PLPYB
The bar graph compares the international turnover of cell phones from 5 well-known manufacturers over a course of 4 years, starting in 2009. Overall, it is obvious that the most striking feature is a a substantial upward trend in Samsung’s sales and a considerable downward trend in Nokia’s revenue. In addition, Samsung registered the highest figure at the end of period shown. In 2009, the mobile phones’ turnover from Samsung stood about 230 millions, compared to around 430 million units in Nokia. However, the opposite trend was seen with a dramatic rise to nearly 450 million in Samsung company and a significant drop to approximately 250 million units in Nokia. Especially, Samsung became the market leader when its figure surpassed Nokia brand’s sales in 2013. Apple’s sales experienced a mild growth from merely 30 million in 2009 to roughly 150 million units in 2013. By contrast, LG earned just over 100 million and saw a slight decline to about 70 million units at the same time. Moreover, ZTE‘s sales remained relatively unchanged around 50 million units over 5-year period.
The bar graph compares the international turnover of cell phones from 5 well-known manufacturers over a course of 4 years, starting in 2009.

Overall
, it is obvious that the most striking feature is
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "a" or "a" is left.
a a
substantial upward trend in Samsung’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
and a considerable downward trend in Nokia’s revenue.
In addition
, Samsung registered the highest figure at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of period shown.

In 2009, the mobile phones’ turnover from Samsung stood about 230
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
millions
, compared to around 430
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
units
in Nokia.
However
, the opposite trend was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
with a dramatic rise to
nearly
450
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
in Samsung
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and a significant drop to approximately 250
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
units
in Nokia.
Especially
, Samsung became the market leader when its figure surpassed Nokia brand’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
in 2013.

Apple’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
experienced a mild growth from
merely
30
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
in 2009 to roughly 150
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
units
in 2013. By contrast, LG earned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 100
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a slight decline to about 70
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
units
at the same time.
Moreover
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
ZTE
‘s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
remained
relatively
unchanged around 50
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
units
over 5-year period.

IELTS academic The bar graph compares the international turnover of cell phones from 5 well-known manufacturers over a course of 4 years, starting in 2009.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
179 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
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Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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