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The bar graph below shows the entrolment of students in music in an Australian university from 2000 ta 2006 and the pir chart shows how they choose their career after their course .

The bar graph below shows the entrolment of students in music in an Australian university from 2000 ta 2006 and the pir chart shows how they choose their career after their course. alk9Y
The bar compares how many student entrolled in music in university of Australia between 200 and 2006, and the pir chartgives information how they selected their career at the end of their course Overall, it is clear that significantly more women than men actived in music. We can also see that different profession is more popular than others. According to the bar chart, music emas famous among both gender in 200, their percent showed 20. After that level of males and females are not same as directoins. Womenʼs scores only rised from 2001 till 2006, percentage of men fluctuated and the end, there was no change in first column. Looking at the details of pir chart we can see that the majority of gender attended to career choice. To be precise, 55 percent of them were different profession, and 25 percent were similar profession tender were in the minority, with only 20 percent of students participated to same profession
The bar compares how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
student
Possible spelling mistake found.
entrolled
in music in university of Australia between 200 and 2006, and the
Possible spelling mistake found.
pir
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chartgives
information how they selected their career at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of their course

Overall
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
significantly
more women than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
Possible spelling mistake found.
actived
in music. We can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
is more popular than others.

According to the bar chart, music
Possible spelling mistake found.
emas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
among both gender in 200, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
20. After that level of males and females are not same as
Possible spelling mistake found.
directoins
.
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Womenʼs
scores
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "rose", the past tense form of the verb 'rise'?
rised
Nonstandard phrase. Did you mean: "from 2001 to 2006"?
from 2001 till 2006
, percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
fluctuated and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, there was no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in
first
column.

Looking at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
of
Possible spelling mistake found.
pir
chart we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that the majority of gender attended to career choice. To be precise, 55
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
of them were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
, and 25
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
were similar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
tender were in the minority, with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
20
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
of students participated to same
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
profession
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IELTS academic The bar graph below shows the entrolment of students in music in an Australian university from 2000 ta 2006 and the pir chart shows how they choose their career after their course.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
158 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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