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the bar chart shows the percentage of elderly citizens in three countries

the bar chart shows the percentage of elderly citizens in three countries 3aMPm
The bar chart describes about the percentage of senior age, e. g. grandfather or grandmother generation, population in Canada, Germany and Great Britain on different time; 1980, 2000 and 2030. The similarity from each countries is percentage of elderly people always increasing from 1980 to 2030. Germany becomes country that hang on the top percentage all years. It starts on 15% on 1980 and reaches the top on 2030 with 25%. On the other hand, Canada and UK have fluctuate graphs. Canada has the lowest old population among the three of them with only 10% citizens while it fills second place of country which has population 65 years old and more, approximately 22% on 2030. Compared to UK which has about 14% eldest population on 1980 and owns the latest place with eldest people around 18% on 2030. However, both country have equal position on 2000 with the same percentage about 15%. mriginet Forest engineer who has interest on development issues such as gender, food, agrarian and poverty. Follow
The bar chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describes
about the
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percentage
of senior age,
There should be no space here: "e.g.".
e. g.
grandfather or grandmother generation,
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population
in Canada, Germany and Great Britain on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
time; 1980, 2000 and 2030.

The similarity from each
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "country"?
countries
is
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percentage
of elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
always increasing from 1980 to 2030. Germany becomes
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country
that hang on the top
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percentage
all years. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
on 15% on 1980 and reaches the top on 2030 with 25%.
On the other hand
, Canada and UK have
Use past participle here: "fluctuated".
fluctuate
graphs. Canada has the lowest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
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population
among the three of them with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
10% citizens while it fills second place of
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country
which has
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population
65 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and more, approximately 22% on 2030. Compared to UK which has about 14%
A determiner is probably missing here: "the eldest".
eldest
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population
on 1980 and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owns
the latest place with
A determiner is probably missing here: "the eldest".
eldest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around 18% on 2030.
However
, both
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country
have equal position on 2000 with the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
about 15%.

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mriginet


Forest engineer who has interest on development issues such as gender, food, agrarian and poverty.

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IELTS academic the bar chart shows the percentage of elderly citizens in three countries

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
168 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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