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The bar chart illustrating data of male and female

The bar chart illustrating data of male and female BMoYw
A glance at the bar chart provided revels, the data of male and female in education in London. The education divided into two parts full time education and part time education from 1970 to 1991. Overall, it is clearly shows in the chart, in Britain most of all students selected part time education rather than full time education as well as in 1970-71 the male was hight percentage while in 1990-91 the female was highest proportion First of all, in 1970-71 the male percentage represent one thousand and the female proportion represent nearly eight thousand in part time education as well as in full time education the proportion of male was nearly two thousand and the percentage of female was nearly 100 thousand
A glance at the bar chart provided revels, the data of male and
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female
in
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education
in London. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
divided into two
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parts
full
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time
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education
and
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part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
from 1970 to 1991.

Overall
, it is
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
in the chart, in Britain most of all students selected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
rather
than full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
as well
as in 1970-71 the male was
Possible spelling mistake found.
hight
percentage while in 1990-91 the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
was
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
proportion

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, in 1970-71 the male percentage represent one thousand and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
proportion represent
nearly
eight thousand in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
as well
as in full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
the proportion of male was
nearly
two thousand and the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
was
nearly
100 thousand

IELTS academic The bar chart illustrating data of male and female

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
122 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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