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The bar chart illustrates the proportion of workers in two genders were recruited by distinct occupation in 2005 in the UK.

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of workers in two genders were recruited by distinct occupation in 2005 in the UK. Mrn69
The bar chart illustrates the proportion of workers in two genders were recruited by distinct occupation in 2005 in the UK. Overall, it can be seen that the majority of males worked in machinery, technology, economic and labor field whereas females tended to have jobs which are related to personnel and services. There are five per nine occupations employed more men than women with the highest percentage belonged to skilled trades (20%). Following ones were manager and senior officials and professional field with approximately 18% and 14% respectively. The number of males worked in process, plant and machine operatives and labourers and catering assistants took the same proportion at about 12%. On the other hand, although there were less occupations for women and those for men, females still surprised when ranked the first place among all the jobs which was 22%. The second and third place belonged to associate professional and technical and sales and customer service with 15% and 12%.
The bar chart illustrates the proportion of workers in two genders
were recruited
by distinct occupation in 2005 in the UK.

Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the majority of males worked in machinery, technology, economic and labor field whereas females tended to have jobs which
are related
to personnel and services.

There are five per nine occupations employed more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
than women with the highest percentage belonged to skilled trades (20%). Following ones were manager and senior officials and professional field with approximately 18% and 14%
respectively
. The number of males worked in process, plant and machine operatives and
Possible spelling mistake found.
labourers
and catering assistants took the same proportion at about 12%.

On the other hand
, although there were
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun occupations is countable.
less
occupations for women and those for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
, females
still
surprised when ranked the
first
place among all the jobs which was 22%. The second and third place belonged to associate professional and technical and sales and customer service with 15% and 12%.
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IELTS academic The bar chart illustrates the proportion of workers in two genders were recruited by distinct occupation in 2005 in the UK.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
161 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
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Grammatical Range: 6.5
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Task Achievement: 5.5
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    Present relevant ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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