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The bar chart illustrates the number of male employees hired for senior development position in three companies ( IBM, Microsoft, and Apple) from 1980 to 2010.

The bar chart illustrates the number of male employees hired for senior development position in three companies ( IBM, Microsoft, and Apple) from 1980 to 2010. pReaw
Overall, the percentage of male employees hired for this position in all companies had present an upward trend.   At the end,  IBM had the largest portion of senior development positions filled by males and Apple had the least one. In the first 15 years, Apple hired the largest amount of male employees for the position, around 15%.  It was near 8 times as that of IBMI with near 2% in 1985 and 1990 respectively. Then IBM dramatically increased hiring males in 1990, close to Apple and Microsoft, around 12% individually. After 1990, although all three companies hired more male staff for this position, IBM had the highest speed, with near 25% in 1990 and above 60% in 2010. There was close to three times increase. Microsoft also presented similar speed as that of IBM, with 10% in 1990 and over 40% in 2010. However, Apple had hired least males for this position as comparing with other two, with a slight drop in 2000 to below 20% and then rose to 25% in 2010.
Overall
, the percentage of male employees hired for this
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position
in all
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companies
 had present an upward trend.
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At the
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end
,
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IBM had the largest portion of senior development
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positions
filled by
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males
and
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Apple
had the least one.

In the
first
15 years,
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Apple
hired the largest amount of male employees for the
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position
, around 15%.  It was near 8 times as that of
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IBMI
with near 2% in 1985 and 1990
respectively
. Then IBM 
dramatically
increased hiring males in 1990, close to
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Apple
and Microsoft, around 12%
individually
.

After 1990, although all three
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
hired more male staff for this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
, IBM had the highest speed, with near 25% in 1990 and above 60% in 2010. There was close to three times increase. Microsoft
also
presented similar speed as that of IBM, with 10% in 1990 and over 40% in 2010.
However
,
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Apple
had hired
A determiner is probably missing here: "the least".
least
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males
for this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
as comparing with other two, with a slight drop in 2000 to below 20% and then rose to 25% in 2010.
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IELTS academic The bar chart illustrates the number of male employees hired for senior development position in three companies ( IBM, Microsoft, and Apple) from 1980 to 2010.

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
168 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
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Grammatical Range: 6.0
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  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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