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How do you think about different ages of people purchasing albums

How do you think about different ages of people purchasing albums 0AaEG
The bar graphs below illustrate the proportion of different groups of people who buy varies types of music albums in Britain. Overall, we can find out that male purchase more music albums than female in any kind of music. Besides, pop music and rock music are the most popular types among the age group of 25 to 34. Furthermore, 16 to 34 and 35 to 44 age groups are both top 2 and top 3 of these two types of music respectively. Moreover, from such graphs it can be said 45 plus ages group of people is not interested in buying pop music and rock music albums. However, this group of people is the top consumption of classical music albums. Followed by 25 to 34 age group of people. To sum up, the male is more willing to buy music albums and younger, especially from 16 years old to 34 years old, prefers to buy pop music and rock music albums. In addition, musical music is more welcome in older.
The bar graphs below illustrate the proportion of
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different
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groups
of
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people
who
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buy
varies types of
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music
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albums
in Britain.

Overall
, we can find out that male
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purchase
more
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music
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albums
than female in any kind of
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music
.
Besides
, pop
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music
and rock
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music
are the most popular types among the
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age
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group
of 25 to 34.
Furthermore
, 16 to 34 and 35 to 44
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age
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groups
are both top 2 and top 3 of these two types of
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music
respectively
.

Moreover
, from such graphs it can
be said
45 plus
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ages
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group
of
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people
is not interested in buying pop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and rock
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
albums
.
However
, this
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group
of
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people
is the top consumption of classical
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music
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albums
. Followed by 25 to 34
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

To sum up, the male is more willing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
albums
and younger,
especially
from 16 years
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old
to 34 years
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old
, prefers to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
pop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and rock
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
albums
.
In addition
, musical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is more welcome in older.
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IELTS academic How do you think about different ages of people purchasing albums

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
170 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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