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The bar chart demonstrated the percentage

The bar chart demonstrated the percentage yRQxl
Writing task 1 The bar chart demonstrated the percentage of regular physical activity by Australian men and women in various classification of age. According to the data, physical activity done by Australian men has a volatile trend. Based on the data, the percentage reach it peaks on young age (15-24 years old) about 52. 8%. Even though it was high in the young age, degradation happened after it until age group of 35 to 44. Raising trends begin again at age of 45 to 65 and above. Different from men, women reached the peak of the physical activity in the age of 45 to 54 about 53. 3%. The physical activity trend of Australian women the chart is keep raising from 15 years old until the age of 45 and 64, and it reduces into 47. 1% in age of 65 and over. Based on the data in 2010, the conclusion is Australian women tend to be more active than Australian men started in age group of 25 and over. Writing task 2 Sharing information as much as possible in scientific research, business or academic world for some people’s opinion is brilliant. Otherwise, some believe that it is better to keep some information which is too crucial or valuable. With these two different belief, I feel that some crucial information should be kept rather than shared because it may contain privacy or used for improper purpose. In a science sector, the scientist explained and mentioned result or information as much as it needed to make the reader understand of the research and its result. In the International Journal, it has several requirements for paper submission, and it must contain important data which lead to prove the hypothesis. In my experience of making thesis paper, it must be written completely and contain essential data. It because in the scientific paper, the result of the research will be used for improvement in scientific field or further research. Despite sharing all the information, business area tends to hold the crucial information to secure the company. For example, the secret of marketing, recipe and profitability in business sector. It can be harmful for the company if the workers share all the company information to the public, because competitor will look for the weaknesses and can steal the idea of the other company. Therefore, in business area, it is better to share information in a proper amount. In conclusion, keep some crucial information of our research result in any sector is the good thing to do instead of share detailed information that is not really necessary.
Writing task 1

The bar chart demonstrated the percentage of regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
by Australian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in various classification of age.

According to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
done by Australian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
has a volatile trend. Based on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
, the percentage reach it peaks on young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
(15-24 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
) about 52. 8%.
Even though
it was high in the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, degradation happened after it until
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group of 35 to 44. Raising trends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
again at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 45 to 65 and above.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Different
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
reached the peak of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 45 to 54 about 53. 3%. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
trend of Australian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
the chart is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
raising from 15 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
until the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 45 and 64, and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
into 47. 1% in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 65 and over.

Based on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
in 2010, the conclusion is Australian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
tend to be more active than Australian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group of 25 and over.

Writing task 2

Sharing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
as much as possible in scientific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
or academic world for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s opinion is brilliant.
Otherwise
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that it is better to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
which is too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crucial
or valuable. With these two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
belief, I feel that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crucial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
rather
than shared
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it may contain privacy or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for improper purpose.

In a science sector, the scientist
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
and mentioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
result
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
as much as it needed to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the reader understand of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
and its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
result
. In the International Journal, it has several requirements for paper submission, and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
contain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
which lead to prove the hypothesis.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
my experience of making thesis paper, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be written
completely and contain essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
. It
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in the scientific paper, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
result
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for improvement in scientific field or
further
research.

Despite sharing all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
area tends to hold the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crucial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
to secure the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
.
For example
, the secret of marketing, recipe and profitability in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
sector. It can be harmful for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
if the workers share all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
to the public,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
competitor will look for the weaknesses and can steal the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
.
Therefore
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
area, it is better to share
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
in a proper amount.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crucial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
result
in any sector is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
thing to do
instead
of share detailed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
that is
not
really
necessary.

IELTS academic The bar chart demonstrated the percentage

Academic
  American English
8 paragraphs
431 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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