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The bar chart below shows the global sales of televisions by Supervision Incorporation from 1999 to 2012.

The bar chart below shows the global sales of televisions by Supervision Incorporation from 1999 to 2012. Drjp
The bar chart illustrates, the global sales made by the company (supervision incorporation) for selling televisions from the time period of 1999 to 2012. Overall, in 1999, most of the people used to buy television as it was more expensive at that time. During these years the sales of televisions sometime fluctuated in number of selling and increased throughout the whole time period. To begin, in 1999, most of the people do not prefer buying television because of the expensive and high rates. During that year only 10% of the television were sell out throughout the whole year. It remained same for some years between the 10% and 20%. By 2005, in steadily increased and more people preferred purchasing television from supervision incorporation. Moreover, in 2009 the sale of television decreased and remained around 28% for the whole year. By 2002 it increased and the sale of television reached around 42% of sale in that year. Furthermore, the company supervision made a second highest sold in 2011 around 38% of television. In the last year supervision television sold 48% of television globally and highest sale of the all whole time period.
The bar chart illustrates, the global
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sales
made by the
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company
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(supervision
incorporation) for selling
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televisions
from the
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time
period of 1999 to 2012.

Overall
, in 1999, most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
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television
as it was more expensive at that
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time
. During these years the
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sales
of
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televisions
sometime fluctuated in number of selling and increased throughout the
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whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
period.

To
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begin
, in 1999, most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not prefer buying
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television
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the expensive and high rates. During that
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year
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
10% of the
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television
Did you mean "where" or "we"?
were
Consider using a past participle here: "sold".
sell
out throughout the
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whole
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year
. It remained same for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
years between the 10% and 20%. By 2005, in
steadily
increased and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
preferred purchasing
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television
from
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supervision
incorporation.

Moreover
, in 2009 the
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sale
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
decreased and remained around 28% for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
. By 2002 it increased and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sale
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
reached around 42% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sale
in that
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year
.
Furthermore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
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supervision
made a second highest sold in 2011 around 38% of
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television
. In the last
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year
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supervision
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television
sold 48% of
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television
globally and highest
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sale
of the all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
period.
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IELTS academic The bar chart below shows the global sales of televisions by Supervision Incorporation from 1999 to 2012.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
191 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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Lexical Resource: 5.5
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Grammatical Range: 6.0
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Task Achievement: 5.5
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