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the average yearly spending on mobile phone services and home telephone services

the average yearly spending on mobile phone services and home telephone services GJV8m
The information provided in the line graph is concerning the average yearly spending on mobile phone services and home telephone services over a ten year period in the US. Overall, it can be seen manifestly that the expenditures on residential phone services fell considerably whereas the cell phone services registered a dramatic increase. There is a noticeable point in 2006 that the amount of money for cell phone services surpassed home telephone one. At the beginning of the period, American spent nearly $700 on residential phone service, compared to $200 on mobile phone services. After five years later, the former underwent a steady decrease to approximately $600, in contrast the figure for the latter rose quickly to nearly $450. In 2006, the American paid out the same amount of money on both kinds of services, which stood at over $500. Finally, the expenditure on mobile phone services reached a peak at over $700 while the figure for home telephone services fall significantly by $100.
The information provided in the line graph
The verb 'concerning' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
is concerning
the average yearly spending on mobile
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phone
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services
and home telephone
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services
over a
When a number forms part of an adjectival compound, use a hyphen: "ten-year"
ten year
period in the US.

Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
manifestly
that the expenditures on residential
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phone
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services
fell
considerably
whereas the cell
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phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
registered a dramatic increase. There is a noticeable point in 2006 that the amount of money for cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
surpassed home telephone one.

At the beginning of the period, American spent
nearly
$700 on residential
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phone
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service
, compared to $200 on mobile
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phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
. After five years later, the former underwent a steady decrease to approximately $600,
in contrast
the figure for the latter rose
quickly
to
nearly
$450.

In 2006, the American paid out the same amount of money on both kinds of
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services
, which stood at over $500.
Finally
, the expenditure on mobile
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phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
reached a peak at over $700 while the figure for home telephone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
fall
significantly
by $100.
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IELTS academic the average yearly spending on mobile phone services and home telephone services

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
164 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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