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the average number of educational years from 1950 to 2010

the average number of educational years from 1950 to 2010 G3PYx
The line graph depicts the changes in the average number of educational years from 1950 to 2010. Overall, the educational age in both two countries was gradually increased during the given period. After World War II (in 1950), Korean people spent 3 years (in women) to 5 years (in men) in education, whilst in New Zealand, individuals spent 7. 5 years (in women) to 8 years (in men). Besides, the males’ age proportion were higher than females’ age proportion. Obviously, the Korean male has risen rapidly in terms of the average number of educational age (from 4 to 12), whilst in New Zealand, it has slowly risen (from approximate 8 to 12). On the other hand, women do not go to school as many years as men and following that the proportion of educational age in women is always slower than men. However, the average number of education of women age have slightly fluctuated in comparison with men (11 and 12 years).
The line graph depicts the
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changes
in the average number of
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educational
years from 1950 to 2010.

Overall
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
in both two countries was
gradually
increased during the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
period. After World War II (in 1950), Korean
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spent 3 years (in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women)
to 5 years (in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men)
in education, whilst in New Zealand, individuals spent 7. 5 years (in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women)
to 8 years (in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men)
.
Besides
, the males’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
proportion were higher than females’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
proportion.

Obviously
, the Korean male has risen
rapidly
in terms of the average number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
(from 4 to 12), whilst in New Zealand, it has
slowly
risen (from approximate 8 to 12).
On the other hand
,
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women
do not go to school as
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many
years as
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men
and following that the proportion of
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educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
is always slower than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
However
, the average number of education of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
have
slightly
fluctuated
in comparison
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
(11 and 12 years).
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IELTS academic the average number of educational years from 1950 to 2010

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
162 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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