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The advantages of older employee

The advantages of older employee JwjYB

First of all, the elderly workers have a strong sense of discipline, which means that they will be on time whenever their employer needs them. A part of the reason is that they do not want to get the boot at that age because it will be a challenge for them to seek a job, which has a decent salary to take care of their family, eventually, they will pull their socks up day by day. Moreover, mature workers who have more years of experience and knowledge also be a top priority for some companies, since the employee want to achieve their goals. People with hands-on experience will have a wide range of knowledge, which can be used to deal with some work problems. In a similar case, the number of souvenirs being produced in Japan sank dramatically in 2008, with the suggestions of the senior worker, that number doubled in 6 months

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".First
First of all
, the elderly workers have a strong sense of discipline, which means that they will be on time whenever their employer needs them. A part of the reason is that they do not want to This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :acquire
get
 the boot at that age This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:due to the factin light of the fact thatowing to the fact that
because
 it will be a challenge for them to seek a job, which has a decent salary to take care of their family, eventually
, they will pull their socks up day by day. Moreover
, mature workers who have more years of experience and knowledge also
 be a top priority for This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:a number of
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :enterprisescorporations
companies
, since the employee want to achieve their goals. This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :individualsnationsociety
People
 with hands-on experience will have a wide range of knowledge, which can be This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :exploited
used
 to deal with This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:a number of
some
 work problems. In a similar case, the number of souvenirs being produced
 in Japan sank dramatically
 in 2008, with the suggestions of the senior worker, that number doubled in 6 Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraphmonths.months!months?months:months,months;
months

IELTS academic The advantages of older employee

Academic

American English

1 paragraphs

152 words

6.0

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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One main idea per paragraph
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Include an introduction and conclusion
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Support main points with an explanation and then an example
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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Vary your linking phrases using synonyms

Lexical Resource: 6.5

Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes

Grammatical Range: 6.5

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
Check your writing for errors

Task Achievement: 5.5

Answer all parts of the question
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Present relevant ideas
Fully explain these ideas
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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

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