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Some people think that the motive to excel in sporting events has changed. Today, fame and money seem to be the dominant drive, and this has negative impacts on both impressionable youngsters and sports. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that the motive to excel in sporting events has changed. Today, fame and money seem to be the dominant drive, and this has negative impacts on both impressionable youngsters and sports. m8Wp8
It is often argued that the motivation to become excellent in sporting events has changed into seeking for reputation and wealth which affects athletes. In the following essay, I will explain why I agree with this viewpoint. Although there must be some athletes whose motive to excel has not changed into fame and money, it is my opinion that youngsters might be stimulated to get familiar with sports by wealth rather than curiosity. Youngsters who are impressionable might be affected in short term and are reasonably going to cause a negative effect on his or her peers while teenagers are easy to be influenced by peers than anyone else in their school stage. It is possible that youngsters might gain a sense of accomplishment through sporting events and decide to make a living by working as an athlete, which causes this phenomenon to happen. In addition to the impact on impressionable youngsters, it might cause negative effects on the sport itself. Most obviously, athletes who aim for money are not going to pay attention to the sport itself but on the commercial part of it, [run on] this may lead to the decrease in intensity of the games, which means they might not focus on what they should have done in other words. In conclusion, it is clear from the above that there are many arguments in favor of the negative effects on children and sports for the change of motivation for some people. As a result, I completely agree that the shift has caused negative impacts on youngsters.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that the motivation to become excellent in sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
into seeking for reputation and wealth which affects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
. In the following essay, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this viewpoint.

Although there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
whose motive to excel has not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
into fame and money, it is my opinion that youngsters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be stimulated
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
familiar with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
by wealth
rather
than curiosity. Youngsters who are impressionable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
in short term and are
reasonably
going to cause a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effect on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
peers while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are easy to
be influenced
by peers than anyone else in their school stage. It is possible that youngsters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
gain a sense of accomplishment through sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and decide to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a living by working as an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athlete
, which causes this phenomenon to happen.

In addition
to the impact on impressionable youngsters, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effects on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
itself. Most
obviously
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
who aim for money are not going to pay attention to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
itself
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
on the commercial part of it, [run on] this may lead to the decrease in intensity of the games, which means they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not focus on what they should have done
in other words
.

In conclusion
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
from the above that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
arguments in favor of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effects on children and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
of motivation for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
As a result
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the shift has caused
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
impacts on youngsters.
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IELTS academic Some people think that the motive to excel in sporting events has changed. Today, fame and money seem to be the dominant drive, and this has negative impacts on both impressionable youngsters and sports.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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