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some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. other ,however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required

some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. other, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required 0GB1
The percentage of Yemen and Italy's different ages of the population from 2000 to the prediction of their population in 2050 can be seen in the pie charts below. With a glance, the significant reduction of 0-14 years olds in Yemen, in 2050 would be realized. Besides, the increase in 60+ years olds in Italy during this period may get attention. Some information regarding these countries' ages of the population can be convinced from these pie charts. Firstly, a slight rise in the number of 60+ years old can be seen in Yemen. On the contrary, the number of 60+ years old will rocket in Italy. Secondly, the number of 15-59 years old will go up in Yemen while these ages would face a plunge in Italy. Finally, the numbers of 0-14 will drop in both countries, but in comparison, this dwindle would be more dramatic in Yemen. To sum up, it seems that both countries will face an older population instead of having more youngsters.
The percentage of Yemen and Italy's
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ages of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
from 2000 to the prediction of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
in 2050 can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the pie charts below. With a glance, the significant reduction of 0-14 years olds in Yemen, in 2050 would
be realized
.
Besides
, the increase in 60+ years olds in Italy during this period may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
attention.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
information regarding these countries' ages of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
can
be convinced
from these pie charts.
Firstly
, a slight rise in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of 60+ years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in Yemen.
On the contrary
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of 60+ years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
will rocket in Italy.
Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of 15-59 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
will go up in Yemen while these ages would face a plunge in Italy.
Finally
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
of 0-14 will drop in both countries,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in comparison
,
The verb 'dwindle' is plural. Did you mean: "this dwindles"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
this dwindle
would be more dramatic in Yemen.

To sum up, it seems that both countries will face an older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
instead
of having more youngsters.

IELTS academic some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. other, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
166 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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