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Shows the reason why adults decide to study

Shows the reason why adults decide to study 1VdVq
The given set of materials represents a bar graph that provides information about the study decisions of adults. Overall, adults have almost one in ten to connect during studies. As adults have a keen interest in learning subjects which was 40% while others were learning to change there working environment was 12%. Secondly, the majority of adults were studying to become qualified was almost a third of it. Some adults were gaining knowledge because they were enjoying study, wanted a higher position in their jobs, and it was beneficial for their present jobs all this were almost a fifth per cent of it.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
set of materials represents a bar graph that provides information about the study decisions of
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adults
.
Overall
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
have almost one in ten to connect during studies. As adults have a keen interest in learning subjects which was 40% while others were learning to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
there working environment was 12%.
Secondly
, the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
were studying to become qualified was almost a third of it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
were gaining knowledge
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they were enjoying study, wanted a higher position in their jobs, and it was beneficial for their present jobs all
The verb 'were' is plural. Did you mean "these were", "this is" or "this was"?
this were
almost a fifth per cent of it.
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IELTS academic Shows the reason why adults decide to study

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
100 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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