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sales of dvds, games software and cds over the years

sales of dvds, games software and cds over the years eExnO
The given bar chart signifies how sales in billion dollars have changed for CDs, DVDs and games software over period 2000 to 2003. X-axis denotes the years with the scale gap of one year, whereas Y-axis denotes the sales in $billions with scale gap of $10billions. Bars with blue denotes games software sale, those with pink shows DVDs/Videos and those with green indicates CDs sales. Overall, we can notice that the sales for games software and DVDs had increased and that of CDs had fall. The sales of Games Software had risen from $12 billion in 2000 to $18 billion in 2003. Which had been a small change over 4 years. Whereas the sales for CDs had been almost static. There is slight fall from approx. $35 billion in 2000 to $32 billion in 2003. On the contrary when we look at the sales of the DVDs one can notice that there had been a sudden increase in its sales from $28 billion in 2000 to $31 billion in 2003.
The
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given
bar chart signifies how
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sales
in
Use "a billion" or use a number before 'billion'.
billion
dollars have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
for
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CDs
, DVDs and
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games
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software
over period 2000 to 2003. X-axis denotes the years with the scale gap of one year, whereas Y-axis denotes the
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sales
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
$billions
with scale gap of
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$10billions
. Bars with blue denotes
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games
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software
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sale
, those with pink
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shows
DVDs/Videos and those with green indicates
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CDs
sales.

Overall
, we can notice that the
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sales
for
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games
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software
and DVDs had increased and that of
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CDs
had fall.

The
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sales
of
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Games
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Software
had risen from $12
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billion
in 2000 to $18
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
billion
in 2003.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
had been a
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small
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
over 4 years. Whereas the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
CDs
had been almost static. There is slight fall from approx. $35
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billion
in 2000 to $32
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
billion
in 2003.
On the contrary
when we look at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
of the DVDs one can notice that there had been a sudden increase in its
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sales
from $28
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
billion
in 2000 to $31
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
billion
in 2003.
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IELTS academic sales of dvds, games software and cds over the years

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
170 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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