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rate of female going to higher education

rate of female going to higher education 9ajar
Overall, the bar chart illustrates the number of women who continued their education of 5 countries for the years of 1975 and 2005. As can be seen in 1975 Japanese had least temptation to study for higher education (almost 20%) whereas Canadians were at top of the list which was 60%, a bit higher than Germans (which was approximately 50%). Moreover, this rate for USA was 40% and almost 35% for UK. In 2005, the chart shows that Japanese rate was two folded of its own rate in 1975, near to 40%, but again at bottom of the list in 2005 in comparison with others. Also, Canadians rate has no change and been steady at 60%. This number for Germany and USA increased to the edge of 60%. Also, UK in 2005 seems to be only country that have equal rate of female going to higher education to Canada which is 60%.
Overall
, the bar chart illustrates the number of women who continued their education of 5 countries for the years of 1975 and 2005.

As can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in 1975 Japanese had
A determiner is probably missing here: "the least".
least
temptation to study for higher education (almost 20%) whereas Canadians were at top of the list which was 60%, a bit higher than Germans (which was approximately 50%).
Moreover
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
A determiner is probably missing here: "for the USA".
for USA
was 40% and almost 35% for UK.

In 2005, the chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that Japanese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
was two
Possible agreement error. The noun 'folded' seems to be countable, so consider using: "folds".
folded
of its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
in 1975, near to 40%,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
again at bottom of the list in 2005
in comparison
with others.
Also
, Canadians
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
has no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
and been steady at 60%. This number for Germany and USA increased to the edge of 60%.
Also
, UK in 2005 seems to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
country that have equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of female going to higher education to Canada which is 60%.
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IELTS academic rate of female going to higher education

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
152 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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