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Rate of British Immigration

Rate of British Immigration 9RAr
In 2004, Australia was the first to receive British immigrants, as it received more than 40, 000 immigrants, followed by Spain with approximately 35, 000 immigrants. While the United States of America, France and New Zealand received close numbers of immigrants, estimated at approximately 25 thousand immigrants. Also according to the chart in the following period in 2005, the number of immigrants decreased in all countries compared to the first period, with the exception of France. The number of immigrants to it increased until it almost doubled.
In 2004, Australia was the
first
to receive British
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrants
, as it received more than 40, 000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrants
, followed by Spain with approximately 35, 000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrants
. While the United States of America, France and New Zealand received close numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrants
, estimated at approximately 25 thousand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrants
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
according to the chart in the following period in 2005, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrants
decreased in all countries compared to the
first
period,
Consider using "except" or "except for"
with the exception of
France. The number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
immigrants
to it increased until it almost doubled.

IELTS academic Rate of British Immigration

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
87 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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