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radio listeners and television watchers in britain

radio listeners and television watchers in britain pRlB2
The chart above which dated from October to December 1992 compares the number between people in Britain who watch television and who listen to the radio during the day and the night. In general, both side of data are varied and have lowest audiences percentage at about the same time. However, they have unsimilar pattern of fluctuation. The amount of radio listeners rose gradually as the morning began. It is peaked approximately at 9 a. m. in the morning, but getting less as the noon come. Altough it had increase at around 4 p. m. and 11 p. m. , the number is not as much as in the morning. Dissimilar from the radio listeners' chart, the percentage of television watchers starts soaring at 3 p. m. in the afternoon approximately and overtop the amount of people who listen to the radio at that period of time. It is in its highest at around 8p. m. in the evening.
The chart above which dated from October to December 1992 compares the number between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in Britain who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
television and who listen to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
radio
during the day and the night.

In general
, both side of data
are varied
and have
A determiner is probably missing here: "the lowest".
lowest
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "audiences'" or "audience's"?
audiences
percentage at about the same time.
However
, they have
Possible spelling mistake found.
unsimilar
pattern of fluctuation.

The amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
radio
listeners rose
gradually
as the morning began. It
is peaked
approximately at 9 a. m. in the morning,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
getting less
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
the noon
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Altough
it had increase at around 4 p. m. and 11 p. m.
Loose punctuation mark.
,
the number is not as much as in the morning.

Dissimilar from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
radio
listeners' chart, the percentage of television watchers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
soaring at 3 p. m. in the afternoon approximately and overtop the amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who listen to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
radio
at that period of time. It is in its highest at around 8p. m. in the evening.
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IELTS academic radio listeners and television watchers in britain

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
159 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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